Somewhere I Belong..

I've sit here now in my little pretend world for over a year now telling myself things will work out, but i see now i have just been telling myself a lie, i sit here day in and day out numb, cut off from the world, I want to feel, to heal, to live agine, to be held agine and loved, to be close and feel a heart beating next to me, to look in someones eyes and know they love me. For so long now i have spent my whole life just staying were i felt safe even when i knew i would get hurt. I'm 49 now and starting to beleive what my mom told me so many years ago, she knew what i would not see in life. She told me that their was no place for me in this world, that i did not belong in todays time line, and i feel she was right, the more i look at my life and what i wanted i see that nothing worked out the way i want it to, the only thing i feel good about is my kids, 4 of them i helped to raise, but they are wonderful kids that are so very speacel in their own way, and i love them dearly. but the rest of my life and the love i wanted never came to past, i've always been the on the outside looking in , seeing every one find such love in there life's, people i watched share there love with one another but i could never seem to find that hidden love in my life..

I come to a cross roads in my life were i can look at myself and see the cruel joke that life has played on me, every thing i wanted to find just passed me by or i fucked it up. I get up every day and have to fight off the depression inside just to get out the door, and i tell myself it can only get better but it never happens, i'm tired of fighting and ready to end this war inside myself, only god knows why i'm here any more, and we seem to have not talked in a while. I really seem to be at a lost place right now, i've looked at my demons in my darkest place in my mind and they look back at me with hate and tell me its to late to save myself, but life goes on and on, I have alot of work to do on me, i sit here feeling sorry for my self ands its time i got off my ass and told the world to fuck off, i've be alone most of my life any way but it would be so nice just to feel loved of only for a moment in life, intill then i'm here, i breath, i see, i feel, sorry my life is so boreing, i keep feeling like i'm letting some one down, me......, i beleave in me i will survive if just tell the ones that hurt me to bite me...eddie